


I Did It For You

by Auroras5tar



Series: Sanhwa Week 2020 [2]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Both are also Dumb, Both of them are hurt, Bullying, Crying, Cuddles, Depressed Choi San, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Park Seonghwa, San wears Glasses, Seonghwa wears all black, Verbal bullying, fluff?, physical bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:55:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25190482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Auroras5tar/pseuds/Auroras5tar
Summary: San had grown up being bullied. Physically and verbally. It was just a part of his life that he had become accustomed to and thought he would live with it for the rest of his public school life. The only thing that made his life better was his one and only childhood friend: Park Seonghwa. Or he used to before Seonghwa left him.Seonghwa didn’t want to abandon San, knowing he was the boy’s only real friend, but he had to. For reasons San didn't know about, and it hurt to watch San deteriorate. He couldn't go back to hanging out with San despite the fact that he wanted to. He had to keep San safe.
Relationships: Choi San/Park Seonghwa
Series: Sanhwa Week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1815721
Comments: 19
Kudos: 44
Collections: Sanhwa Week 2020





	I Did It For You

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! This is gonna be probably really angsty in comparison to my other works, and there's a couple POV changes even if at the end, the POV gets kind of blurred. I hope it won't be too confusing with formatting and POVs. This is also a completely self-indulgent fic.
> 
> Don't be afraid to leave any comments even if it's just a keyboard smash in capslock. Any and all comments are welcome so long as there is some kind of positivity. 
> 
> Note:  
> ❁ is San's POV  
> ✩ is Seonghwa's POV

❁❁❁❁

San had grown up being bullied. Physically and verbally. It was just a part of his life that he had become accustomed to and thought he would live with it for the rest of his public school life. The only thing that made his life better was his one and only childhood friend: Park Seonghwa. Or he used to.

San used to be best friends with Seonghwa until he went to Seoul the summer between 7th and 8th grade and then came back to find that Seonghwa had befriended his bullies, seemingly forgetting about him despite the fact that their parents were close friends and still forced them to hang out. Therein started San’s dark, invisible days. He was ignored by everyone but his teachers who praised him for being the top student.

The first time he was praised, he turned towards where Seonghwa normally sat next to him with a smile before blinking back into reality. His smile faded, and he turned back to the front, ignoring the stares he felt burning the back of his head. He knew who was burning holes in his head, and he didn’t want to face the smug faces of his bullies next to Seonghwa. Each time he was praised, he had to actively remind himself that he was alone and had no one to celebrate the only kind words he received from others at that school anymore. 

The happiness he felt quickly withered away at that moment, leaving just emptiness behind that only grew as the year went on. The fading happiness was only the start as every day brought more and more darkness gathering in his mind and steadily seeped through the cracks of the wall he had tried to build to protect himself. He spiralled into depression, rarely smiling or looking up from the ground as he walked around the school. 

It got so bad that he eventually stopped showing up to the cafeteria since it was just another cruel reminder that his only friend had left him. It was often him sitting alone at the end of a line of tables or in the middle of them since no one wanted to sit by him. He was just the kid sentenced to social exile the moment he started getting violently bullied. A dark omen, a shadow. Instead of the cafeteria, he took refuge in the library(a pattern that stayed the rest of the year and into high school) during lunch and recess, sometimes bringing his lunch and sometimes not. 

The only thing he was happy about that year was that the bullying had stopped… For now.

~*~

Time passed with San still being the invisible nerd that was just a ghost in the halls until sophomore year in high school came around. That was when the verbal bullying started up again. This time, it was worse because Seonghwa even bullied him, using some of San’s lighter secrets against him. He never tried to tell them off, though. He just took their words and tucked them away for future use against himself. Especially when something was said about his appearance.

He was extremely self-conscious about his appearance, awfully aware of his glasses, his hair, his skinniness as well as his face, and Seonghwa knew that. That is why it hurt so much when Seonghwa was the first one to start teasing him about his appearance, even going so far as to take his glasses and talking about his bad eyesight. San did well in not showing how hurt their words made him, his expression blank and dead when they teased him.

Every once in a while, he noticed a flash of regret or guilt or sadness or pain or concern in Seonghwa’s eyes when they stared at each other for too long as he was bullied. It was probably because San had spiralled into depression starting his 8th grade year since the only light of his life left him, so there was no light left in his eyes anymore. Don’t get him wrong about his parents, but they could do little to liven him up.

There was another time during the latter part of their sophomore year where San was trapped after school against the wall of lockers that contained his own locker. Seonghwa wasn’t there, but the rest of his bullies were. They were berating him and pushing him lightly with the occasional hard shove to make him slam into the lockers. Suddenly, Seonghwa walked up and slung his arm over the leader’s shoulders with a sly smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“Daejung, having fun?”

There was a weird tense atmosphere between the two as they stared at each other. It was one of the rare times that San allowed himself to stare openly at the two. Apparently, his dead, heavy gaze was felt against them because Daejung snapped his head over to look at him, and he scowled. He looked so threatening that San subconsciously flinched while he ducked his head and stepped back, making himself hit the lockers with a slight grimace of pain.

“What are you looking at, smartass? Get the fuck out of here before I change my mind.”

San immediately left, but he didn’t rush like most people would. He didn’t want to give them that he was eager to get away as well as everything else they managed to get from him. He nearly stopped, though, when he heard Seonghwa speak venomously. It was a tone of voice that San never heard used against him, but it always made him shudder.

“What the fuck was that, Kim? You said no physical contact. Stick by your own word, damn it!”

“Come on, Park. It’s getting boring again. He doesn’t give any reactions anymore. It was more fun when you were on his side…”

San never heard the rest of the conversation because he soon became out of earshot. He barely processed what was said, and his mind shoved that conversation to the back of his mind to be nearly forgotten, not needing more moments to remember that Seonghwa had left him for Daejung.

~*~

San’s life got turned upside down once again. This time before Christmas break in Senior year. 

He was walking to the library for lunch when Daejung and his crew, minus Seonghwa, found him. He felt someone jerk the handle of his backpack, causing a couple of the books in his grasp to fall as he stumbled back. San knew exactly what was happening, and his stomach dropped as he looked around wildly to see if he could find anyone to help him as he kept getting dragged back, not even given time to turn around and follow like a normal person would.

When they got to a pair of doors leading outside, San reached out with a hand to grip the edge of the door, which caused him to drop a couple more books before his hand was pried off. He glanced up at the camera that was aimed at the door before one of Daejung’s crew pried his hand off and shoved him through the door. He stumbled back with a grunt at the violent shove that hurt more than he initially thought it would as he gave one last hopeless glance to the camera. He hadn’t even gained his footing back entirely when he was dragged away from the building, hoping someone would be watching the camera feed and notice his situation. 

The boy paled the further they moved from the doors and turned the corner sharply, causing San to drop the last remaining book in his hand as well as his glasses to fall off his face since he was one having to constantly push them back up his nose. He was now only able to see close up while everything else consisted of blurred objects and figures. The group was now at the back of the school and in a blind spot of cameras from what San could see before he felt his backpack get shoved off his shoulders and thrown to the side.

Feeling himself get thrown into the nearby wall, he let out a small yelp as his head cracked against the wall before his own personal hell started. Harmful words rained down on him accompanied by hits to his body, and soon, he was on the ground and curled into the fetal position as much as he could since the kicks to his abdomen and face prevented him from curling up too much, leaving much of his torso exposed. He couldn’t focus on the words being said to him because of the pain of the blows as well as the blood rushing in his ears, but by the tone he could discern the words being said in, he knew they weren’t pleasant.

In the middle of blows raining down on his body, San heard an enraged yell that almost sounded like Seonghwa breaking through the fog of demeaning words, but he was too much in pain and too scared of more blows to his body to look and expose his face for more hits. Besides, whoever was his savior would just be a blurry figure to him anyway. The blows paused for a while as yells sounded from two different areas near him. It almost seemed as if whoever had come to save him and shoved Daejung and his crew away and was standing in front of him protectively as he laid there, trying to get his bearings again.

The yelling stopped, and San heard sounds of a fight breaking out as he coughed and caught his breath since the constant blows that took his breath away had finally stopped and seemed to not start back up. There was the taste of iron in his mouth, but he only grimaced as he started to crawl away, wanting to get away the best he could before he was brought back by Daejung to continue. He didn’t get very far before he heard more muffled voices, arms giving out as he moved to lay on his side. These voices sounded more adult and seemed to focus on whatever else was happening.

A hand was placed on his shoulder suddenly, and he recoiled with a flinch and a small whimper before spitting out some of the blood that he could taste and feel filling his mouth. The hand retreated for a moment before another joined the first hand, gently prodding him to roll over. San decided to comply since the hands were gentle even if he was confused because all the muffled adult voices were further away. He opened his eyes, slightly confused as to when he had even closed them after his savior ran in, and he saw a slightly blurry, definitely worried Seonghwa hovering over him.

Seonghwa seemed to be trying to talk to him, but he couldn’t really hear over the still rushing of blood in his ears. Adrenaline rush, he supposed, since he couldn’t feel much pain yet. He just stared unfocused at Seonghwa as he talked and gently brushed his hair away from his face. Attempting to focus on Seonghwa again, he slowly could start making out words as he blinked up at his old best friend.

“San! There we go. Focus on me now. You had me worried for a moment because you weren’t responding. I’m sorry, Sannie. I couldn’t protect you like I was trying so hard to do.”

San felt Seonghwa’s hands move from his shoulder and hair to rest on his cheeks, brushing the skin under his eyes gently for a while. His eyes fluttered at the unusual touch, and he moved into the gentle touch before the moment was gone. Someone had walked up on their scene. He watched a blurry figure walk up and put their hand on Seonghwa’s shoulder before they spoke.

“Seonghwa, do you want to take San to the nurse before returning to my office?”

“Yes, sir. I’ll be there soon.”

“Alright. One of the office workers has picked up his things off the ground and should be in the nurse’s office or in mine. Make it quick, Seonghwa.”

“Yes, sir.”

Blinking his eyes, San realized the blurry figure behind Seonghwa was in fact the principal of the school. He watched their exchange before Seonghwa turned back to him, taking in his injuries and seemingly debating on his next move.

“San, can you walk or are you hurting too much?”

“I can try to walk.”

Seonghwa nodded, ignoring how quiet and scratchy San’s voice was, and stood up, helping San up as well and catching the smaller male as he stumbled. The two started walking back towards the building with Seonghwa keeping a gentle hand on the small of San’s back to help guide him and another hand outstretched in front of San for when he stumbled so that he could catch the glasses-less male. 

Soon, though, it was evident that San wasn’t just tripping over holes or the edges of concrete, so Seonghwa slipped his hand around San’s waist before moving San’s arm to wrap around his shoulders. That was when they started moving faster since San was letting Seonghwa guide the way with soft murmurs of obstacles as well as take half of his weight. It was almost like things used to be, and San almost let himself fall into a fantasy of what would have been had Seonghwa not left him.

The walk to the nurse’s office was quiet besides Seonghwa quietly advising him on obstacles and how to step sometimes, but once San was seated in the nurse’s office, Seonghwa disappeared for a moment and leaving San to think he was abandoned again. He let out a sigh as he turned to stare at his lap before he jumped at a gentle touch to his hand. His hand was turned, and San watched an object move from blurry to clear as it was placed in his hand. It was his glasses.

“Here.”

San slowly grabbed the glasses with only a nod of thanks and put them on his face, still avoiding Seonghwa’s gaze. Though, that changed when Seonghwa grabbed both of his hands, and he finally looked at Seonghwa’s face, noticing that Seonghwa had crouched in front of him. The other male was wearing his all black attire that he had grown to wear with his time with Daejung, but what caught San’s attention is the blooming colors on Seonghwa’s face. He gently shook off one of Seonghwa’s hands to raise his own hand to the other’s face, gently brushing over the bruises with a sad, caring look as if he was never left alone.

“San.”

The spell San seemed to be under broke, and he realized what he was doing, quickly averting his eyes and placing his hand in his lap again. Seonghwa sighed and grabbed San’s hand again, squeezing gently for a moment and efficiently coaxing San to look at him again.

“San, we need to talk. Can I come over after school today? Your parents are on a business trip, yeah? I figured your place would be a safe place to talk with no interruptions.”

San nodded at Seonghwa before he pulled his hands away and nudged the other with his foot as he spoke up in his quiet, slightly raspy voice from disuse that Seonghwa definitely noticed this time if the worried pinch of the other’s face wasn’t misleading.

“You need to go to the principal’s office.”

Seonghwa sighed and nodded before getting up and walking to the door. He paused in the doorway to look back, watching for a moment as San finally was tended by the nurse since she was busy before. He nodded to himself and made his way to the principal’s office once more.

✩✩✩✩

Seonghwa didn’t want to abandon San, knowing he was the boy’s only real friend, but he had to. While San was away and visiting Seoul, Daejung had threatened to make the bullying on San worse if Seonghwa didn’t leave San’s side. The bully just wanted to see San break and become something that he wasn't when he was with Seonghwa, and Seonghwa was torn between staying with San or complying with Daejung. He was given a double edged sword and didn’t know what to do with it.

He eventually decided to comply with Daejung because even if he had to watch San break, the boy wouldn’t be physically hurt. That was if his deal would be accepted. He would join Daejung’s crew, but they couldn’t physically hurt San anymore. His condition was accepted with a smirk, Daejung apparently enjoying the idea of watching San’s psyche fall more than physically falling.

From that summer onward, Seonghwa completely stopped socializing with San. He didn’t even socialize when their families met up anymore. This change raised questions from both of their parents of course, but Seonghwa couldn’t out San’s bullying like that because he didn’t know if San had told his parents about the bullying. Instead, he told his parents that they had fallen out. He even tried not to look at San that much because it hurt to see his friend when he couldn’t socialize with him without Daejung’s glare or his multiple whispered threats echoing in his mind.

During the times that Seonghwa actually let himself stare at San, he quickly realized something. There was nothing that Seonghwa could recognize in his best friend anymore, and the realization sickened him every time he thought about it. He knew how it was killing San to not have him by his side, but he couldn’t go talk to him without Daejung going off on him when they were alone and spewing degrading words about him. It had happened multiple times when he tried to talk to San not too long after the initial choice.

Seonghwa was one who believed in keeping a promise or a deal, so he was abiding by his deal with Daejung despite the threats and degrading words, hoping the other would abide by it, too. What he didn’t expect was for Daejung to break it. The first time Daejung almost broke it in sophomore year. Seonghwa was sure that he would have actually hit San if he had not shown up and said something to Daejung. As it was, it seemed as if San was going to have a giant bruise on his back from the lockers. He tore into the other as soon as they were alone and reminded him of the conditions of the deal, not even minding his own personal threat by Daejung of more severe bodily harm done to him. 

~*~

When Seonghwa went to visit the principal’s office before Senior Year’s Christmas break, he didn’t expect the final shoe to drop at all. He went to discuss help with finances for college, and while he was there, he saw the camera feed on the principal’s monitor that was positioned on the desk where Seonghwa could see it. He saw Daejung dragging San somewhere, and he abruptly stood.

“Principal Kim, I’m sorry, but my friend is in trouble. I need to go help.”

The principal cut off mid-sentence and looked at Seonghwa incredulously.

“What?”

Seonghwa pointed to the monitor behind the principal as he made to leave.

“Ah. Seonghwa, go ahead. Save your friend. I’ll gather some teachers and meet you back there. Try not to resort to violence, but if it comes down to it, I’ll allow it. It looks like your friend is scared of what those guys will do to him.”

Seonghwa nodded before he took off running down the halls and exiting through the door where San had dropped his books. He continued following the trail San had left before he stopped, not knowing where Daejung had gone until he heard San yelping and blows landing. He quickly ran up to the group and shoved Daejung away as he yelled.

“Enough! All of you get the fuck back!” 

He grabbed Daejung’s friends and also shoved them away as he scowled at the bully, standing protectively in front of a seemingly barely aware San.

“You broke the deal, Daejung. You said you wouldn’t hurt him if I left him to his own devices, and you have. That means I don’t have to deal with your bullshit anymore. Stay away from both of us now.”

Seonghwa fixed Daejung and his friends in a glare before he started to turn so that he could check on San. He never managed to do that, though, as Daejung threw a punch at his face, and Seonghwa grunted as his head snapped to the side. He growled and tackled Daejung to the ground, throwing punches to his face as they rolled around.

The two hadn’t noticed the teachers walking up until Daejung was pulled off Seonghwa from where he had the ravenette pinned. Seonghwa stood up quickly, panting from the effort of the tussle, and stumbled over to San who seemed to have crawled away a small distance. He knelt down next to the boy and gently nudged him to roll over onto his back from where he had stopped and laid on his side. He frowned as he watched San flinch away with a whimper, but he continued to push San onto his back, hands gentle as he tried to talk to the male.

When San was unresponsive for a few moments, Seonghwa could feel his worry grow until San had opened his eyes and actually focused on him instead of looking at him unseeingly. The worry never went away as he helped San to the nurse’s office and sat with him until the nurse tended to him. Instead, it just swelled until he felt like it would break and crash against the wall he had built and repaired endlessly throughout the years of watching San.

As Seonghwa returned to the principal’s office, he sat outside and waited for Daejung and his friends to be done in there before they were released. Seonghwa was called back, and he stood easily, following the principal and ignoring Daejung. Once he was sat down in the safety of Principal Kim’s office with the door closed, he let out a sigh as he stared at the older male.

“Let me guess. I’m suspended, too?”

“Hmm. No. I managed to get the correct story out of one of the others. I know that you did not start the fight, and honestly, normally anyone involved in a fight would be suspended… But I know your character, and I know that you would do anything to protect your friends if words didn’t work, which is why I said I would allow violence if you could protect that other boy. Choi San, right?”

“Ah, yes, sir. That’s his name. If you don’t mind me asking, what punishment will I get instead? I know my actions can’t go unpunished.”

“Of course not. How about after school detention for 4 days?”

“Ah. Can we do lunch detention instead? You can lengthen the duration. I just- Starting this weekend, I’m working multiple part-time jobs to try to help with my grandparent’s hospital bills. My parents may have well paying jobs to not leave us wanting, but since my grandmother fell ill and my grandfather hurt himself, every spare penny that’s not for food is going to cover the bills. Me and my sister need money for school fees and clothes, so I’m trying to provide that.”

The principal frowned at hearing Seonghwa’s situation but nodded nonetheless.

“Of course. Lunch detention for 6 days then?”

Seonghwa nodded and sat there for a few moments as silence took over the room before he glanced at the time.

“Is-Is there anything else? I need to make sure San can get home safely. He seemed out of it like he has a concussion or something.”

“Nothing else. You may go, Seonghwa. Remember that you can come talk with me or anyone in the office if you need any more advice or assistance.”

“Of course, Principal Kim. Thank you.”

Seonghwa stood up and bowed before exiting the room, not even glancing at Daejung and his friends as he walked by. He paused by the secretary as she stopped him to ask if he had seen the nurse about his busted lip, and he offered a chuckle and a smile.

“A busted lip is the least of my worries. Have a good evening, Secretary Min.” 

He bowed once more before exiting the office and retreating back into the school to grab his bag before heading out of the school when the dismissal bell rang. Seonghwa glanced around to look for San once he was outside the school. Quickly finding the male in question as he slowly made his way out of the school building, Seonghwa walked over and fell into step beside San.

“I thought we were meeting at my house.”

There was the quiet, raspy voice that his friend now sadly possessed. Just the sound of it made Seonghwa want to flinch since it was so unlike San. San used to be so vibrant with life, and now because of him, the boy had been diminished to become merely a shade of who he used to be.

“We were, but then I remembered how the journey to the nurse’s office was, so I thought I would make things quicker. Would you like a piggyback ride?”

San stopped and looked at Seonghwa in skeptic disbelief before his eyes trailed to Seonghwa’s backpack currently on his back. Seonghwa quickly shook his head.

“I can switch the backpack around. It’s no issue. It’ll get us to your house quicker, and hopefully, you’ll be in less pain.”

Silence passed for a few moments as San mulled it over before a soft sigh was heard, and Seonghwa knew he had won. He smiled at San even as he took his backpack off and wore it backwards so that it was now on his chest instead of his back before crouching down a bit, making sure to have his back towards San. He felt hands gently place themselves on his shoulders, quickly finding a good leverage spot before squeezing for a moment. It was the only warning Seonghwa got before he felt San jump up, and he caught San’s thighs before straightening up, readjusting his grip on the other as well as the other’s position on his back.

Once they were both comfortable, Seonghwa set off towards San’s house, which was just down the street from his own house. The walk there was silent except for Seonghwa’s footsteps as well as both of their breathing, and Seonghwa couldn’t help but grimace at the fragile, awkward tension in between them. He let out a soft sigh as he walked up to San’s front door and gently placed the other down.

Seonghwa took his backpack off and held it by the top strap as he watched San unlock the door before stepping in. San toed his shoes off and nudged them aside before he allowed Seonghwa in, closing the door behind him while he knelt down and untied his shoes. When Seonghwa had taken off his shoes and placed them neatly aside, he followed San further into the house, not wanting to cross any of the fragile boundaries they had at the moment.

“Make yourself at home, I guess. Drinks?”

“Ah. Just water. Please.”

San nodded as he placed his backpack on a chair before disappearing into the kitchen. Seonghwa sat down near the arm of the couch and placed his own bag on the floor next to him. He knew that San said to get comfortable, but he just couldn’t with the tension flowing through his body. So, instead, he sat there with his back as straight as a board, staring at the wall opposite of him as he let his mind wander because this was it. This was the big confrontation he feared. This was where he would explain himself and hope San would take him back after 5 years.

"Here, Seonghwa."

San held out the glass of water, and Seonghwa stared at it blankly for a few moments before grabbing it in noticeably shaky hands. If San noticed his state, he said nothing of it as Seonghwa calmly sipped the water to try to soothe his nerves. San moved to sit on the chair where his backpack resided, and he stared at Seonghwa blankly, noticing all of Seonghwa's old nervous tells that he still had. 

Placing the glass down gently on a coaster, Seonghwa sighed lightly and stared at his lap. He licked his lips and linked his hands together as he thumbed at a loose thread dangling off his shirt. He took in a deep breath before speaking. 

"I know you must hate me leaving you like that, but I had a reason. I did it for you. Daejung came to me while you were gone and told me to ditch you for him or else the bullying you already suffered would get worse, and you know that they liked to make me watch against my will. Well, I couldn't let you get hurt anymore. Physically. So I did as he said, but he didn't say for how long. I tried to talk to you multiple times after that conversation with Daejung, and each time he would stop me if he could, or if we were on break, he would threaten both you and I in multiple ways."

His voice was quiet yet heavy as he kept his gaze on his lap even during his lapse in explanation. Though, as he spoke more, the faster he sped up and the lower his voice dropped until he fully slipped into satoori as the thought occurred to him that San would hate him no matter what afterwards. He was trying to get all the details and lay it all out for San before San kicked him out or he couldn’t continue anymore, already feeling his eyes burn with the buildup of tears. 

"I was trapped between a rock and a double edged sword to try to protect you, so I fell on the metaphorical sword and subjected myself to Daejung’s threats and degrading words when we hung out together. I know you have pulled away from everyone and built a wall around yourself to protect yourself as much as you could with my...departure, and it hurt to have watched that change, knowing it was my fault. It was all my fault, but I couldn’t go back to you if I wanted to protect you. As stupid as it sounds, I hurt you...to protect you. I chose what I thought was the lesser of two evils, but it hurt you as well as myself way more than I thought it would, and _I’m sorry_.”

Seonghwa wasn’t sure when the tears started falling down his face, but he felt the splashes of the tears on his hands and soaking through his pant material. He also noted how his shoulders had hunched over as if to make him curl up and then disappear into the couch. He had yet to look up at San, but he couldn’t bring himself to as he swallowed back a sob, emotions he had held in for years now overflowing since the truth had finally been revealed.

Feeling hands on his, Seonghwa blinked and sent more tears falling down his face as he slowly looked up from his lap to see San crouched in front of him. The other's eyes held pain as well as concern for him as he squeezed Seonghwa's interlocked hands, massaging them lightly to pry his fingers from the tight grip that had on the back of his hands and saving his skin for a little while longer. 

Once San had finished with Seonghwa's hands, he placed them on either side of his lap before Seonghwa suddenly had a lap full of San. He froze in surprise as he felt San's hands place themselves on his cheeks and gently wipe away the tears on his cheeks just to have new ones blaze a new trail before the hands slid down his neck and around his back, tugging him in for a hug. Seonghwa let out a choked sob-like sound as he realized San was _comforting_ him after he explained, and he melted into the slightly younger's chest as sobs erupted from him. 

It was an explosion of emotion that had been simmering for years before having the chance to get blown off, and Seonghwa barely registered it when he wrapped his own arms around San's smaller frame tightly. He tugged San impossibly closer as he sobbed, the hand moving through his hair comforting yet upsetting him more because he felt like he did not deserve the soft treatment. San should slap him, yell at him, show any kind of _anger_ at him. Not _comfort_ him after all that he put San though. 

The older man was so caught up in his own whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that he didn't notice that San also had tears sliding down his cheeks and disappearing into his hair. Though, San's tears were much slower and much quieter, so it would have been hard to notice them. Seonghwa would have also truly noticed the tender way San was cradling his head to his chest in addition to the gentle, comforting touches he was feeling to his hair. All Seonghwa knew was that someone who should hate him and turn him away was acting like a loved one comforting another. 

Once Seonghwa's tears had slowed, he slumped against San's chest lifelessly as he sniffed quietly. San still rubbed his hair and hummed quietly, seemingly trying to help Seonghwa calm down even further. It took a few more minutes before Seonghwa was completely calm in his hold and that was when San decided to speak, still quiet in volume but now it was to match the atmosphere.

“Seonghwa, I… I don’t hate you. I never have, even though I wished I could hate you for leaving me. I want you to get that through your head first. I don’t hate you. You’re my best friend. Ok? Second of all, I wish you didn’t comply with Daejung’s dumb deal. I know we were younger and more naive, but there must have been the thought somewhere that said that if you went with him, that it would be worse than any physical pain we could have been put through. You’ve blamed yourself all these years for something that you couldn’t possibly have known the outcome for, and you’ve held everything in. What have you told me multiple times? Don’t hide emotions because they will get worse if you don’t let yourself feel? At least I wrote stuff down in a journal and cried into a pillow. Judging by your display, you clearly haven’t.”

San paused and brushed Seonghwa’s hair back off his forehead before placing his hand on Seonghwa’s cheek. Seonghwa felt the gentle brushing away any wetness on his face as San placed his cheek against the crown of his head, and it suddenly dawned on him that San had also dropped into satoori. But the other was using it more of a calming method to help soothe him with the low pitch.

“I won’t say everything is all forgiven yet because you’re right. I am very hurt and so are you, but I can forgive why you did it. I’ll just say that full forgiveness will take time, but I think we both have no qualms working for it. You think that’s good, Hwa?”

Seonghwa sniffed pitifully and nodded against San’s chest, not even noticing that tears had started falling down his face once more at San’s last words, but that didn’t stop Seonghwa from croaking out some words as his heart clenched because of the negative thoughts that started to roll around his mind. His voice was small yet full of child-like hope, almost as if he was in disbelief but still hoping San had meant what he said.

“R-Really? Y-You don’t want me to leave forever because of my stupidity? Th-There’s still a chance to make amends and never let you go again? You m-mean that?”

San could feel his own heart breaking at Seonghwa’s words, and he pulled away, cupping Seonghwa’s face in the palms of his hands to make their eyes meet.

“I mean that whole heartedly, Seonghwa. I was hoping that this was all one big nightmare that I would wake up from. I didn’t want to move on from high school without my best friend, and I was scared. And you, Park Seonghwa, are _not_ in any means _stupid_. Understand me? I hear that again, and I’m slapping you. Ok? You shouldn’t let anything Daejung told you stay in your head.”

Seonghwa’s eyes widened, and he nodded quickly at San’s threat. It wasn’t a truly serious threat that Seonghwa needed to worry about like he had when Daejung uttered any and all threats to him and San. He let out a breath and placed his head back against San’s chest as his eyes closed, now exhausted and dry of tears as he felt San’s hands return to his cheek and to his back. He felt San rub his back as well as his cheek, and he was quickly being lulled to sleep.

Before he could truly fall asleep, though, he felt San shake him awake. He groaned and moved to lean back against the back of the couch, rubbing at his face. Seonghwa noticed the small smile on San's bruised up face as San stood up off his lap and smiled before frowning, noticing the blood that dotted a bandage on his cheek. He stood up as well and gently grabbed San's wrist before leading them upstairs to San's bathroom. 

Seonghwa turned on the light and sat him on the toilet before grabbing the first aid kit from where it still was placed after all the years that passed them. He then set about changing San's bandages and even checking on his bruises, applying soothing cream where San allowed him to. Once he was done, he cleaned up his mess as he let San venture into his room. 

He soon joined San in his room to see he had changed into his pajamas, and Seonghwa grimaced, turning to leave. The taller of the two thought it was a silent way of telling him to go home, so he was surprised when he felt a hand on his wrist before he even made it three steps. 

"No. Please. Stay. Cuddle with me. You owe me endless amount of cuddles now."

Seonghwa chuckled weakly and nodded. 

"Alright. I can agree to that. Do you ha-"

"Here."

Seonghwa was given a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, and he returned to the bathroom to change into them. He stepped back into San's room and up to his bed, waiting for the younger to settle in. Once San had settled, Seonghwa laid on the bed next to him and got comfortable himself before he let San adjust to cuddle up next to him. Seonghwa hummed a song to lull them both asleep, but it seemed like it worked more on his already exhausted physical and emotional state, his words slurring sleepily. 

"Sannie?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you. That's why I did it for you. Even back then. Especially now, and I'm still so so sorry."

A breathy giggle was heard from San, and Seonghwa felt lips press to the corner of his before the weight of San's head settled back on his shoulder. The smaller's words were also slurring with sleep but not quite as much as Seonghwa's were. 

"Yeah. I love you, too. Hwa. Now go to sleep. We'll wake up just like this. OK? Trust me this time."

"OK. I trust you."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/5tarspromise) and [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/5tarspromise)!


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